Parallel Parenting: How to Co-Parent With a Difficult Ex

Parallel parenting means you and your ex each look after the children in your own way during your own time, with as little direct contact between you as possible. If every conversation about pick-ups or school shoes turns into a row, it can bring real relief. Your children keep a full relationship with both of you, and the conflict moves out of their everyday lives.

Plenty of women are told to “just co-parent”, as though agreeing everything together is always possible. Sometimes it is not, at least not yet, and choosing a more structured approach is not giving up. If you are still weighing up your options, our wider co-parenting guide covers the full range.

What is parallel parenting?

Parallel parenting is a structured, low-contact form of shared parenting. Family professionals suggest it for high-conflict separations, where the usual advice to talk openly and decide things together keeps causing more harm than good.

Each of you runs your own household your own way, and you stop negotiating the small stuff. Bedtimes, meals and screen time are decided by whichever parent the children are with.

Bigger decisions are different. If you both have parental responsibility (the legal rights and duties a parent has for a child), choosing a school or agreeing to significant medical treatment usually still needs both of you. Those conversations simply become rare, planned and written down.

Is parallel parenting right for your family?

This approach tends to help most when the relationship between you and your ex, rather than the parenting itself, is the main source of stress. Signs it may suit your family include:

If several feel familiar, stepping back may be the kindest option for everyone, and many parents find more co-operation becomes possible once the daily friction eases.

How to make parallel parenting work

The aim is to leave as little as possible to be decided in the moment.

1. Put a detailed parenting plan in writing

A parenting plan is a written record of your child arrangements, meaning where the children live and when they spend time with each parent. The more detail it includes, the less there is to argue about. A good plan covers:

• The regular schedule, with exact days and times
• Where handovers happen and who does them
• School holidays, birthdays and Christmas
• How school and health information is shared
• Who pays for extras such as trips, uniforms and clubs
• How to ask for a change, and how much notice is needed

A plan you agree between yourselves is not legally binding, but it gives you both a clear reference point. GOV.UK’s guide to making child arrangements after separation sets out the wider options.

2. Pick one channel for communication

Agree that everything about the children goes through one written channel, such as email or a co-parenting app. Writing gives you time to think before replying, and it leaves a clear record of what was agreed. Our comparison of the best co-parenting apps in the UK covers the main options and costs.

3. Keep handovers short and low-key

Handovers are where tension spills over. Where you can, use school or nursery, so one parent drops off and the other collects. Otherwise, meet somewhere neutral and public, keep it brief and polite, or ask a trusted relative to step in.

4. Let the other home run its own way

This is the hardest part. Your ex may allow later bedtimes or more screen time than you would, but unless something puts your children at real risk, try to let it go. Children adapt to different rules in different places surprisingly well. Our guide to setting boundaries with an ex can help you decide where your own lines sit.

5. Keep a simple, factual record

Note missed or late handovers and important decisions, with dates, and keep it brief rather than emotional. You may never need it, but if things reach mediation or court, a clear record is far more useful than memory.

How to communicate with a difficult ex

When you do need to be in touch, keep messages short, polite and about the children only. Many parents use the BIFF approach from high-conflict specialist Bill Eddy, which means keeping every message Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.

• Wait before replying to anything that stings. A few hours usually helps.
• Only answer the parts of a message that are about the children.
• Never ask the children to pass on messages, even simple ones.

Unsure how a message will land? This free text tone-checker reviews your draft before you send it, and nothing you type is stored.

For wording you can adapt, try our co-parenting communication scripts.

Protecting your children while you parallel parent

Cafcass, the service that advises the family court about children, has highlighted that the risk to a child’s emotional wellbeing rises significantly when a separation involves high conflict. Keeping children out of the middle is the whole point, so try to:

• Let them love both parents openly, without guilt.
• Avoid criticising your ex in front of them, even when it is tempting.
• Resist quizzing them about what happens at the other house.
• Make it easy for belongings and comfort items to move between homes.

If a child’s sleep, appetite or schoolwork changes, their school or GP is a good first port of call. Our piece on shielding children from parental disputes has more ideas.

You will find further support for children and parents in our parenting articles.

When to get outside help

Parallel parenting depends on a clear plan. If you cannot agree one, or it keeps falling apart, outside help can move things forward without a long court battle.

Family mediation is the next step, and if being in the same room feels like too much, shuttle mediation keeps you apart while the mediator moves between you. Before most court applications about children, you will usually need to attend a MIAM (a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting), though there are exceptions, for example where there has been domestic abuse.

For disputes involving child arrangements, the family mediation voucher scheme can contribute up to £500 per family towards mediation. It is not means-tested, and it does not cover the MIAM (as of September 2026).

Legal aid for family mediation is a separate scheme, and it is means-tested. This legal aid eligibility checker shows whether you may qualify.

If agreement is not possible, or your ex keeps ignoring the plan, a court can make a child arrangements order. In high-conflict cases these orders can set out arrangements in precise detail, which gives parallel parenting firm, clear edges.

Frequently asked questions

What is the difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting?

Co-parenting involves regular, flexible communication and joint decisions, with similar rules in both homes. Parallel parenting keeps contact between parents to a minimum, with each parent making day-to-day decisions in their own time and communicating briefly in writing. It suits separations where talking regularly leads to conflict.

Is parallel parenting bad for children?

Not usually. Children are affected most by ongoing conflict between their parents, so reducing that conflict can help them feel more settled. They still have a full relationship with both parents. It works best with a clear plan and parents who avoid criticising each other in front of the children.

Do I need a court order for parallel parenting?

No. Most parents set it up by agreement, with a written parenting plan or help from a mediator. A plan you agree yourselves is not legally binding. If agreement is not possible, or the arrangements keep breaking down, you can ask the family court to make a child arrangements order.

What can I do if my ex will not stick to the parenting plan?

Keep a factual record, raise the issue briefly in writing and suggest mediation to review the plan. If a court order is in place and is not being followed, you can ask the court to enforce it, so get legal advice first. Keep your own commitments steady throughout.

Choosing parallel parenting is not a sign that you have failed. It is a thoughtful way to give your children a steadier childhood, and to give yourself some peace along the way.